Recently, whilst editing and removing previous blog posts that I felt did not fit in well with my new ‘online portfolio’ type blog, I read my old New Year, Same Me post from last year. I couldn’t help but laugh at my younger, more naïve self.
Yes, I did start therapy. It was a free service provided by the university, where the professionals enrolled me on a twelve-week CBT therapy programme. I’d like to say that I got what I wanted out of it, however, I did not. What I did get though, was something that I never in a million years expected to. I learned to forgive my abuser.
I decided to seek therapy for a bunch of messed up reasons. Mainly, I knew I was depressed and I wanted and needed help. But once there, I was faced with the blunt reality that to work through my stuff, I had to go back to the root of all evil. My childhood. But that’s for a different kind of post altogether.
I couldn’t tell you what all of my new year resolutions were last year, but I can tell you that I stuck to one of them, the most important one to me. I quit smoking. I smoked a lot of cigarettes at my brother’s New Year’s Eve party, and then as if by magic, I stopped smoking. It’s amazing what you can do when you truly want something.
Okay, so yes I have smoked the odd cigarette on a night out, it’s funny, I seem to turn into Chandler Bing when after a few drinks the smell of a freshly lit cigarette hits my nostrils. However, I am no longer a smoker. I did it.
This year has taught me many things. I’ll leave you with the biggest lessons I learned in 2019.
Grief can never be truly extinguished, yes the open flame will die out but little clouds of smoke will forever stay entangled in your heart.
Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I’ll say it one more time for the people in the back, love is not enough to sustain a relationship.
It’s better to be alone than in bad company. We all know this saying. My grandma used to say this to me all time. I did not always share these views unfortunately. My biggest fear in life is to grow old alone. So I went back to a toxic relationship, after having left it for over a year, because I was scared of being alone. Don’t do it to yourselves. It’s not worth it, and leaving it a second time will leave a much deeper scar.